today makes 8 years…february 23rd we meet again. bringing me memories of a time when i was happier. when i didnt have to question someones motives for using the phrase “i love you” towards me. i mean i was still battling depression and an eating disorder but i was happier. now. i dont sleep at night. i dropped out of college because i spent all the money you left me on helping others who cant even help me. and alcohol. so much alcohol. trying to drown out any feelings of pain i have left since your death. its been 8 years grandma. and it still pierces a whole in my heart thinking about the moment they told me you were gone. i shouldve been there but i was here. you wouldnt return my phone calls that week it was as if you knew. were trying to protect the tiniest of childhood innocence that remained with me. when you left i broke. i started drinking. i stopped eating. i would never believe anyone who used that 3 word phrase towards me again. because you were the only one. you took me in when i was just 5 years old and became the only mother figure id known. but you left. like everyone else in my life that says they love me. my 20th birthday just passed but i dont feel myself growing. im still that 12 year old girl who cries every night in bed for 8 years straight. i know you wouldnt be proud of me. ive let my disorders become my addictions. but i just miss you. and it hurts. nobody understands me. nobody cares. im on the verge of being homeless because i cannot adapt to staying around in one place where so called “family” resides. fuck that. excuse my french. i want you here hughing me saying toots its okay. but you cant youre gone geandma. and its too late for me. 8 years too late. a part of me died the moment you did and theres no returning. i love you forever. ill like you for always. as lon as im living…my baby youll be.